Well, it looked like spring had come at last, though with his habitual gloominess, he found himself thinking that the balmy weather could not last. There were indeed a lot of daffodils out, but they might be striken by a late frost. When he had set out on his walk, he had not noticed the hole in his boots, but now he thought that if it came on to rain, he might get wet feet. It was high time that something unexpected happened, something that ran counter to the norm and the usual law of supply and demand, action and consequence. It needn’t be nice: but it had to be different.

He trudged along the path that wound its way through the park. A woman was walking towards him, her high heels making a clip-clopping sound as she trotted along. Suddenly she tripped over with a loud bang, and as he rushed to help her up, she let loose a string of expletives, so rich and fruity that he wondered if she was a matelot in disguise. But no: she was a woman alright, though certainly not a lady, with a vocabulary like that. 

Wait. After she finished cursing and brushing herself down, he realised that she was a very peculiar woman indeed.  She was wearing a heavy fur coat (very odd in this day and age) and a phrase from his childhood reverberated in his ears: “fur coat, no knickers!” He administered a mental slap to himself for such political incorrectness. She was fussing about the collar, rearranging it, and as he looked closer at it, he relised that it was a small live fox, wound sweetly round her neck, snuffling and snuggling. On closer examination he saw that the whole coat was alive: stoats, weasels, badgers (and was that an anteater?), all clinging on to each other so that the whole garment seemed to writhe in the breeze. They seemed happy enough, chuckling and squeaking to themselves. She took the coat off (the animals took the opportunity to snooze), and  she sat on a nearby bench, patting the space next to her. He sat down.

Her face was rather unusual. Her lips were very swollen, indeed she looked as though she’d had some work done or some fillers injected. It must make talking difficult. And indeed, as she started to speak (not cursing this time), he saw that she had a second pair of lips just inside the first, and  that, hiding behind the inner lips, she had something that looked like a pea. He felt faint for a minute. Unless he was very much mistaken, what was cavorting beneath her nose was not a mouth, but a vagina, and one that could talk. Good gracious! Well, what was down below? Was it really a case of fur coat and no knickers?

As if reading his mind, she gradually pulled up her skirt inch by inch. He was now quite alarmed. After all, they weren’t  even engaged, let alone introduced. Between her legs was something that looked just like an ordinary mouth. She took a lipstick out of her handbag and applied colour (a vibrant coral). The mouth appeared to cough a little, smiled so that pearly teeth were displayed (that was scary), licked its lips and said : “well? Are you going to kiss me, or not?”   

She must have thought that he needed more stimulus, as she started to unbutton her blouse. She displayed two serried rows of breasts: young perky ones at the top, lactating ones in the middle, mature but still desirous ones below that, and then - horribile dictu - the bottom pair that had eyes instead of nipples. It was when one of them winked at him that he began to feel that he really, really couldn’t do this. 

The Eternal-Feminine at full throttle was worrisome. He began to look for an escape route. “I’m terribly sorry. I’ve got to dash. It’s getting cold. Wouldn’t you like to put your coat on again?” And he picked up the warm, wriggling, mewling coat and draped it over her shoulders. He had wanted something different from the afternoon, and he had certainly got it. But too much so. As he called out “Goodbye” and broke into trot, he could hear her voices (both of them) calling him: “come back, come back! I won’t hurt you!” But he couldn’t take the risk,  and left her with her living coat as the dusk and the cold came on apace.